I wish I could teleport
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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