he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
