The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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