there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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