im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
