i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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