When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
