mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
