Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
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