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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
