He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
