Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
