why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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