New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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