You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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