I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Randomize
