I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
