You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
