This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
