Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
