I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
