Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
