I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
