WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
