I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Drunk is a universal language darling
The air taste purple.
Randomize
