My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
