Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I will pee on everything he values.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
