halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
