I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
