checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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