Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
