Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
