already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
