yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
