god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
