just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Randomize
