I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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