Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My feet surprised me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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