My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize