hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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