i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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