You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
