my shit smells like andre
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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