I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
