Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Come see our sink grown plant.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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