Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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