If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
