I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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