am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
is it fun? or sober?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
