I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
it's great music for shaving your balls
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
