phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
