i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
