So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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