he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
