Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This is classic penis vs brain.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
