Im at strip club and am horny
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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