he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
