I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
