the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
God I need to hump something, right now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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