Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
