Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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