True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
