My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
