god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
