Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My liver just had a heart attack.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
