Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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