Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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