I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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