im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
